


The Hat

by kathkin



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 00:09:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after 1x04. Arthur, Merlin and various other characters put that hat to new and innovative uses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hat

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written around 2008-2009 and posted on a Livejournal comm that no longer exists. I would like to formally apologise for inflicting it on you.

“Why are you still wearing that hat?” Gwen whispered to Merlin during a banquet one evening. “I thought you hated it.”

Merlin shrugged. “It’s growing on me,” he said. “Besides, it has it’s uses.”

“Oh, really?” she said, crossing her arms. “Like what?”

He turned to look at Arthur, and smirked. Arthur glared back at him. When he turned to face Gwen again, she was looking at him curiously.

“What’s that all about?” she said.

He shrugged again. “Nothing.”

-

“Why are you wearing that hat again?” Arthur said to him later as he re-filled his goblet.

“It’s my uniform,” said Merlin. “Isn’t it?” 

Arthur glanced at his father, to check he wasn’t listening, then leaned a little closer to Merlin. “I told you not to wear it in public any more!” he hissed.

“Oh, you did,” said Merlin. “But have I ever done anything you told me to do?”

“Merlin, if you don’t take that hat off, I’m going to have to take drastic action.”

“Oh, I’m counting on it,” said Merlin. “I’ll keep it on later, shall I?” He smirked again. Arthur grinned back.


	2. The Hat Begins

It was strange, Merlin thought, how quickly things could change. Only a few hours ago, he’d been serving Arthur at a banquet, wearing a ridiculous hat, and they’d hardly even been what you’d call friends. Now they were wrapped around each other in Arthur’s bed, and he was doing his best to get his breath back… and still wearing the hat.

After a few minutes, Arthur lifted the hat off his head and stared at in intently. “You do realise,” he said, gesturing with the hat. “That you can’t wear this in public any more?”

Merlin took it from him. “Oh, that’s a pity. I was just getting to like it.”

“I’m serious!” said Arthur. “That’d just be… disgusting.”

“It has been in some rather interesting places,” Merlin agreed (and it had – the feathers were slightly damp with what he hoped was sweat). “If it bothers you that much, I’ll wash it first.”

“It’s not just that,” Arthur says. “Just… from now on, that hat’s bedroom only, alright?”

“Alright,” said Merlin, “Fine.” He set the hat on Arthur’s head, and lay back in his arms. It didn’t look like things were going to change again any time soon. He was glad. He liked things better this way.


	3. The Lost Hat

Merlin was starting to panic slightly. He’d looked everywhere in his room. He’d cleared everything off the floor and into the cupboard just to make sure it wasn’t there, then looked under the bed, and then under the loose floorboard in the corner, just to be on the safe side. There could be no doubt about it. He’d lost it.

“Gaius!” he called. “Gaius!” he ran to the open door, and peered around it. “Gaius, have you seen my hat?”

“Which hat?” said Gaius, without looking up from his book.

“The one with the feathers,” said Merlin. “You know!”

“Oh, _that_ hat,” said Gaius. “What do you need it for? They aren’t having a banquet, are they?”

“No,” said Merlin. “It’s just… I can’t find it. Have you seen it anywhere?”

“No,” said Gaius. “Sorry.”

Merlin sighed. “I better go,” he said. “Arthur’s waiting for me.”

“Oh?” said Gaius, engrossed in his reading again, as Merlin crossed the room.

 

*

Arthur looked Merlin up and down as he opened the door. “Hello,” said Merlin.

“Where’s the hat?” said Arthur.

“It’s nice to see you too,” said Merlin.

“Merlin. The hat?”

“Oh. Yeah. Right.” He decided not to own up. “Do we really need it?”

“Yes,” said Arthur, without hesitation. “Now where is it?”

“I… don’t know,” said Merlin.

“You don’t know,” Arthur repeated.

“It got a bit… lost. Sorry.”

“Well go and find it, then!” said Arthur, going to shut the door. Merlin stopped him.

“I already looked everywhere!” he said. Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Everywhere? You? Really?” he said.

Merlin sighed. “Fine. I’ll go and look again.” He turned to walk away.

“Don’t come back without it!” Arthur called after him, and slammed the door shut.

*

A few minutes later, he was going through the books spread across the table in Gaius’ rooms, in case it had got left under them, somehow.

“You’re not still looking for that hat, are you?” Gaius called.

“Well… yes,” said Merlin.

“What’s so important about it?” said Gaius, easing himself out of his chair.

“Nothing,” said Merlin. “I just… need it.”

“For what?” said Gaius.

“Nothing!” said Merlin. “It’s nothing. I mean…”

“I’m not sure I even want to know,” Gaius sighed. “I have some things to do. Try not to dismantle the room while I’m gone, will you, Merlin?” he said on his way to the door.

“I won’t!” Merlin called after him. He dropped to his hands and knees and tried looking under the table.

A moment later, there was a knock on the door. “Gaius is out,” he called. “Sorry!”

Whoever it was knocked again. “Merlin?” called a familiar voice.

He looked up sharply, banging his head on the underside of the table. “Ow… Gwen? I’m just coming!”

He scrambled to his feet, and hurried over to the door.

“Hello,” he said, as he opened it. “I’m a little busy right now. Is it important?”

“It might be,” she said. She was, he noticed, looking rather smug, and holding something behind her back. “I have something of yours.”

“Oh,” he said. “Really?”

She brought her hand out from behind her back. She was holding his hat. “I found it in the cellars. How did it get there?”

Merlin thought back to Wednesday afternoon. That had been… interesting. “I’ve no idea. I haven’t seen it for ages. Thanks-” he tried to take it from her, but she snatched it away.

“You don’t need it for anything, do you?” she said. “No banquets coming up?”

“No,” he said, staring at it.

“So why are you so keen to get it back?” she said.

“Arthur – I – just in case I need it,” he said.

“Oh, really?” she said, stroking the feathers. He winced. She had no idea where they’d been.

“Yes, so I’d really-” he swallowed. “Really appreciate it if you gave it back now, Gwen.”

“It’s odd that you don’t know how it got there,” she said. “Because I saw you going down there with it last Wednesday.”

“Oh, r-really?” he said, and swallowed again.

“Yes,” she said. “You and Arthur.”

“We were just-”

“Just what?” she said, and smirked out him. He stared back.

“Can I please have it back?” he said. “Arthur’ll kill me if I lose it.”

“Oh, really?” she said.

“Yes,” he said. “He really likes that hat, okay?”

She sighed. “Fine,” she said, and handed it back to him. “If I find it again, though, you’re not getting it back.”

“I’ll be more careful in future,” he said, stepping outside and closing the door.  
“You better be,” she said. “I won’t tell anyone. Don’t worry.”

“Good. Right. Thanks,” he said. “That’s really-”

“On one condition,” she said. 

“…And what would that be?” he said. She grinned wickedly.

*

Merlin knocked on Arthur’s door again. “Arthur?” he called. “I found it!”

The door opened. “Oh, great,” said Arthur. “I-” he stopped, and stared. “What’s _she_ doing here?” he said, pointing at Gwen.

“Uh…” said Merlin.

“Me and Merlin,” said Gwen. “Have an agreement. Can I come in?”

Arthur stepped back from the door to let her by.

“You don’t mind, do you?” said Merlin. “She found it in the cellars, and she knows about us, and she says she’l only not tell anyone if we let her… join in.” he trailed off. “Is that alright?”

Arthur turned to face Gwen, and looked her up and down. “I think we can manage,” he said.

*

“Well,” said Arthur, now wearing the hat, some time later. “That was interesting,” he turned to Gwen, nestled naked in between them. “Where did you learn to do that?”

“That would be telling,” she said.

“Well, it’s certainly very impressive,” he said. “Don’t you think, Merlin?”

“Hmm?” said Merlin, who’d dozed off a little. “Oh. Yes, Very impressive, Gwen.”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” she said. “Both of you.”

“Well, we’ve been practicing,” said Merlin.

Gwen took the hat from Arthur and put it on her own head. “You kept wearing this in public,” she said to Merlin. “Didn’t you?”

“Yes,” said Merlin. “Yes I did.”

Gwen giggled.

“I did say that it should be bedroom only,” said Arthur. “But he refused.”

“I bet he did,” said Gwen. Merlin took the hat off her head and put it on his own.

“Oh, what is this?” said Arthur. “Pass the hat?”

“I can’t believe you kept wearing it,” said Gwen. “That’s disgusting, Merlin, it really is.”

“Yeah, well,” said Merlin. “It kept Arthur entertained during all those boring speeches, didn’t it?”

Arthur took the hat off Merlin’s head, and waved it at him threateningly. “You watch it. I don’t want to have to teach you a lesson.”

Gwen laughed. Merlin grinned. “I think that sounds like a good idea.”

“Are we starting again, then?” said Gwen. She looked from one to the other. Arthur smiled.


	4. Morgana and the Hat

“Arthur?” said Morgana, knocking on his door. “Arthur, are you in there?” there was a muffled sound which may have been a ‘come in’. She decided it had been, and pushed the door open. “Arthur?” she called. The only answer was another muffled sound from the bedroom “Are you in bed?” It was a bit early for that, she thought. But then again, Arthur did tend to tire himself out sometimes. She crossed the room and opened the bedroom door.

And then she screamed.

*

The three of them sprang apart. Gwen hastily covered herself with the blankets. Merlin’s jaw dropped. And Arthur leapt out of bed. “Morgana!” he said. “What are you...” he trailed off. Her gaze was drifting downward. He hastily snatched the hat off his head and used it to preserve his dignity. “Morgana, I...”

“What are you _doing_ ,” she said. “Why are you in bed with Merlin and Gwen? And... why were you wearing that awful hat?!”

“It’s not awful!” said Arthur. “It’s a great hat. I like it.”

Morgana had evidentally decided that she wasn’t going tog et any sense out of him. She turned to Merlin and Gwen and raised her eyebrows. “Well?”

“Well - I- uh- ah- I- we...” stuttered Merlin.

“We were just having some fun,” said Gwen, interrupting him.

“All three of you? At _once_?!” said Morgana. Gwen nodded.

“But... _why_?!” said Morgana. They all shrugged.

“Arthur started it,” said Merlin. “He made me wear nothing but the hat!”

“He really likes that hat,” agreed Gwen.

“Will you two be quiet!” snapped Arthur over his shoulder. He turned back to face Morgana, and gestured behind them. “There’s always room for one more, if you’re interested.”

Morgana looked from him to Gwen and Merlin to the hat and back to him again. “Well,” she said. “I am _not_ wearing that hat.”

“Oh,” said Arthur, genuinely disappointed. “Why not?”

“It’s... silly! It’s got a giant feather in it!”

“We like the feathers,” said Merlin. “Don’t we, Gwen?”

“Oh, yes,” said Gwen. She giggled.

“Is that a yes, though?” said Arthur.

“Oh, so you’ll sleep with her without the hat...” said Merlin from behind him. Arthur ignored him.

“Well...” said Morgana. “Yes, I suppose it is.”

Arthur smiled. “Good,” he said, and threw the hat behind him onto the bed, then took her in his arms.

Gwen picked up the hat and placed it on her own head as she and Merlin watched. “That’s sweet, isn’t it?” she said.

“Mmm-hmm...” said Merlin, rather more interested in whether or not Morgana’s dress was going to come off any time soon. He watched as it slipped down around her shoulders, and then to her waist, and sighed. “Well, can’t let them have all the fun...” he said, reaching for Gwen and pushing her back down against the bed so suddenly that she squealed.

*

“You do know,” said Morgana a while later. “That if your father finds out about this, he’ll probably have a heart attack.”

“Yes, I know,” said Arthur sleepily.

“And if he recovers from that,” she said, rolling over and draping herself across his chest. “He’ll probably sack Gwen, exile me from Camelot forever, and have Merlin executed.”  
“Yes, I know.”

“We did think about that, you know,” said Merlin from the other end of the bed, where he was still wrapped around Gwen.

“And you’re still at it?” said Morgana.

“Well, he won’t do anything much to me, will he?” said Arthur. “I mean, it’d be very awkward for a while. But other than that.”

“Oh, that’s very nice,” said Merlin. “I got executed, and all you care about is that things are a bit awkward?” he took the hat off his head and tossed it in Arthur’s general direction. It fell on the floor. Morgana reached down to retrieve it. “You have a lovely back,” said Merlin. “I mean-”

“Thanks. sI think,” she said, putting the hat on Arthur’s head. “There. Suits you.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” said Arthur. He grinned, and lay back, with one arm around Morgana, and one around Gwen.

“You’re acting like you’re in charge now,” said Merlin, who was feeling a little left out, being at the far end and all.

“Aren’t I?” Arthur grinned again.

“Oh, yes. That’s right. We’re your harem. Your bisexual, multi-racial harem.”

“Right,” said Arthur, looking a little confused. “...And... what’s a harem?”

“Oh, some foreign kings have them” said Merlin. “They have these big groups of women that they can sleep with whenever they want.”

Morgana sat up and stared at him.

“What?” he said.

“What have you been reading?” she said.

“Just Gaius’ books,” said Merlin.

“...What has Gaius been reading?” she said, and laughed. Then she turned to Arthur. “We’re not your harem. Are we? Gwen? Merlin?”

“Mm,” said Gwen. “Not at all.”

“Definitely not,” said Merlin.

“Let’s show him we can be in charge, then” said Morgana, “Shall we?” she smirked at Arthur. His grin faded.

“What are you going to do?” he said, as Gwen and Merlin advanced on him from the other side. “Guys...? Guys!” He waited for a response. Itw as silent for a moment. And then... not so much.


	5. Return of the Hat

“So I thought,” said Morgana. “That I might wear my blue and red dress next week?”

Gwen nodded. “Yes, that one’s lovely,” she said. “Though I like your purple one better.” 

They were both leaning against the wall of Arthur’s bedroom. Morgana had a blanket from the bed draped across her shoulders. Gwen did not.

“Oh, really?” said Morgana. “I’ve worn that one so many times now. I’m a little bored of it.”

“It looks nice every time you wear it, though,” said Gwen.

Morgana smiled. “And then the week after that-”

She was interrupted by a sharp cry from the bed beside them. “Arthur!” Merlin groaned.

“Are you boys done yet?” said Morgana, adjusting her blanket.

“Not quite,” said Arthur.

“Wstfgl?” said Merlin.

Morgana and Gwen turned to look at them. Gwen giggled. Morgana tilted her head to one side, trying to make sense of their position. “Very dignified, Arthur,” she said after a moment, then joined Gwen in the giggling.

“Oh, for-” Arthur snatched the hat off Merlin’s head and flung it at the two girls. Not surprisingly, considering that he was something distracted, he missed completely. It hit the wall in between them, and slid down to the floor. 

Gwen picked it up, straightened out the feather, and placed it carefully and Morgana’s head.

“You look nice in that too,” she said. “You look nice in everything. Especially blankets.”

Morgana smiled. “Well, you look nice in nothing at all,” she said, as Gwen slipped her arms around her waist.

A few seconds later, Arthur, watching from the bed, dug his hands into the pillows and groaned. Both girls pulled away from each other to giggle again.

“Can you please stop that?!” snapped Arthur.

“Stop what?” said Merlin. “What are they doing?”


	6. Lancelot Wears the Hat

“I think I’ve had too much to drink,” said Lancelot. He was in Arthur’s room, and he was a little hazy as to how he’d got there.

“Oh, not at all,” said Arthur. “I think you’ve had exactly the right amount to drink.”

“I think _you’ve_ had too much to drink, sire,”said Lancelot.

“I know my limits,”said Arthur. He stepped closer to his newest knight. “And I’m well within them. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have any fun. Merlin?” he said over Lancelot’s shoulder.

“Hmm?” said Merlin from behind him.

“You know what to do,” said Arthur.

“Yes, sire,” said Merlin. Lancelot turned and watched him walk towards a cupboard on the other side of the room.

“No, don’t look at him,” said Arthur. “Look at me.” Lancelot obliged him. he heard the cupboard open and close behind him. “Now take off your chainmail.” Lancelot obliged him again, despite his confusion (which only increased when Arthur did the same, leaving them both in undershirts). “Mm-hmm,” said Arthur. “Merlin?”

“Yes, sire,” said Merlin from right behind him. Lancelot jumped. “Here it is.”

Arthur held out his hand, and Merlin handed him what had to be the most ridiculous hat he’d ever seen.

“Sire?” he said. “What are you doing?”

“It’s best not to ask,” said Merlin.

“Yes,” said Arthur. With some reverence, he placed the hat on Lancelot's head, and stepped back to admire the effect. “There,” he said. “What do you think, Merlin?”

“Very nice, sire,” said Merlin.

“Shall we continue, then?” said Arthur. Either he didn’t wait for an answer, or Merlin nodded. Lancelot wasn’t sure which. “Good,” said Arthur, and began to tug at Lancelot’s shirt. A moment later, Merlin reached around from behind him and undid his belt.

“What-” he said.

“Didn’t you listen?” said Arthur.

“We said not to ask,” said Merlin. The belt landed on the floor with a thump, and a moment later his trousers were around his ankles.

“Do you… do this with all your new knights?” said Lancelot, as the hat was briefly removed so Arthur could pull his shirt over his head.

“Oh, no,” said Arthur. “Just you.”

“Mm-hmm,” said Merlin. There was a rustling of cloth, and then Merlin’s shirt was thrown across the room. Arthur’s followed suit.

“So this isn’t normal, then?” said Lancelot.

“Oh, not at all,” said Arthur. “Don’t tell my father. He won’t like it at all.”

“Right,” said Lancelot. “And… why am I wearing this hat?”

“We’ve told you twice now,” said Merlin. “Stop asking!”

“I think,” said Arthur. “That we should take some action to stop him asking silly questions. Don’t you think, Merlin?”

“Yes, sire,” said Merlin. His arms slid around Lancelot’s waist again. Arthur slipped an arm across his shoulders. Lancelot glanced from one to the other, and concluded that he wasn’t going to get an explanation any time soon.

Oh, well. He could live.


	7. The Hat is Discovered

Various people had been knocking on the door of Arthur’s bedroom for the past half hour. As of yet, not one of them had got any kind of answer.

“We think he must be sleeping, sire,” said a servant to Uther.

“It’s the middle of the day!”

The servant shrugged.

“Well, go in and wake him, then!” snapped Uther.

The servant hesitated. The last time he’d tried to wake up Arthur had resulted in him being, quite literally, thrown out of the room... and the prince had gone straight back to bed afterwards. He was not a morning person. The same thing probably applied to afternoon naps.

“Um,” he said eventually. Uther sighed.

“Then I’ll do it myself,” he said.

*

A few minutes later he discovered that, as he’d been told, neither knocking on the door nor shouting got any kind of reaction. Inside, Merlin turned to the others.

“D’you hear that?” he said.

“Just ignore it,” said Arthur. There was what sounded like an agreement from Gwen, but neither of them could pick out any actual words.

Outside, Uther opened the door, and began to make his way towards the bedroom. This really was a ridiculous time to be asleep.

He stopped just outside the door, and listened for a moment. He could hear some very feminine sounds. That just made things even worse. He would have to unleash his wrath. He threw the door open.

*

A moment later, Arthur sat up, and Morgana pulled the covers up over her head, which, rather unfortunately, pulled them off Merlin, who was at the other end. Gwen calmly lifted the hat of Arthur’s head and dropped it into Merlin’s lap, then smiled cheerfully at Uther.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Arthur blurted out.

“Oh?” said Uther. “What is it, then?”

“Well... what does it look like?” said Arthur.

Uther didn’t answer. He looked from Arthur to Gwen to Merlin to what could be seen of Morgana (her elbow, and a few strands of hair), and then back to Arthur again.

“Is that Morgana under there?” he said at last.

“Uh...” said Arthur. Morgana and Gwen both kicked him. “No! No, that’s, er...”

“Someone else entirely,” said Gwen calmly. “Isn’t it, Merlin?”

“Um?” said Merlin, who was very much away that the hat was now the only thing stopping him from being naked in front of Uther. And, to make matters worse, Uther was now staring at it intently. The pure fury they’d seen on his face when he’d come in had now given way to a look of bemused confusion.

“Why-” he said, but broke off.

“Don’t ask,” said Gwen. All three of the others were wondering how she could be so calm. “Would it, perhaps,” she said to Uther. “Be better if we just never spoke off this again?”

“What she said,” said Arthur.

Uther looked from Arthur to Gwen to the hat. “I think perhaps you’re right,” he said, he turned away, carefully closing the door behind him. They all waited until they heard the other door open and shut before they spoke.

“I think that went quite well,” said Gwen, returning the hat to it’s original position. Arthur snatched it off.

“How could you be so calm?!” he said, as Morgana emerged and Merlin tugged the covers back over himself.

“In what way did that go well?!” said Merlin.

Gwen looked from one to the other. “Because someone had to be,” she said to Arthur. “And he doesn’t seem to be planning on having anyone killed, does he?” she said to Merlin.

“Well, alright,” said Arthur.

“I suppose,” said Merlin. He climbed out of bed, followed a moment later by Arthur and Morgana, and reached for his clothes.

“What are you all doing?” said Gwen.

“What, you want to keep going?” said Arthur.

“After that?” said Morgana.

“Well... yes,” said Gwen. They all stared at her, then resumed dressing. She slumped back against the pillows. “You’re so boring.”


	8. Nimueh and the Hat

Nimueh liked to spy on people. Sometimes she went out of her way to find an excuse to do so. Much of the time, though, to her joy, there wasn’t any need - spying on people was both useful, and, when one uses magic, not very hard.

Tonight, however, she hadn’t really bothered to come up with an excuse. She was just watching Merlin as he tidied up after Arthur (there was a small chance that she’d see something very useful).

She watched as Arthur came into the room, waited until Merlin was finished, then went to a cupboard and fetched out a hat. She recognised it vaguely - hadn’t Merlin been wearing it before she’d tried to poison him? But why was Arthur making him wear it now?

She watched for a little while longer, and then the reason became rather more apparent. She watched as all clothes other than the hat vanished with quite astonishing speed, and then watched as their moved through into the bedroom.

This, she thought, was good to know about. She could probably use it to her advantage at some point (she was good at that).

But right now, she was content to watch.


End file.
